Smallville seems to be undergoing an (pardon the DC Universe pun), identity crisis.  The show seems to be spinning its wheels and trying to figure out what it wants to be: superhero action drama, romantic comedy, or straight-up soap opera.  In this Valentine’s Day-themed episode, Lois and Clark are up to their cartoonish hijinx in pursuit of a story, with Lois trying to sneak a peak at a RAO industries, corporate party with Lois standing on Clark’s shoulders. Seeing nothing, they carry on their merry way with Clark attempting to steer Lois in a much more romantic direction following a patented Lois Lane anti-Valentine’s Day tirade.

Along the way, they run into a perky chick dressed as a fairy, blowing (what we later discover is quarried Smallville meteor rock, AKA – The Smallville Writing Team’s Favorite Plot Device) fairy dust and peddling chocolates to the sorta happy couple.  Unfortunately, this wasn’t the Continuity Fairy that sprinkled dust, but a fairy that somehow brought the powers of near-magical persuasion to Clark.  When he tries to quell Lois’s Valentine rage and tells her that he wishes that they could have a more traditional relationship, the signifying glowing blue/green eyes on Lois and Clark’s part indicate that something goofy will happen as a result of this suggestion.

Said goofy thing really kicks into high gear the next day when Lois quits her job at the Daily Planet, saying that a woman’s place is in the home and her place is to support Clark’s journalistic career with a hot, homemade potroast.

While Lois is busy making with the June Cleaver back at the Kent Farmhouse, Clark is at the Watchtower, telling Chloe that he will be handing off fake passports and papers to everyone’s favorite female Kandorian, Alia the Assassin. Chloe is none too pleased with this, telling him that the solar tower will be completed in two days and that the Kandorians are likely responsible for killing Jor-El.  And that Alia was responsible for killing her in an alternate future.  Chloe tells Clark she thinks he’s making a major mistake by embracing the Kandorians and Zod and wishes they could send the whole crew of them to the Phantom Zone. 

Clark gets all sorts of emo about this and then angrily tells her that he wants her to focus on watching his back and to leave saving the planet to him.  Cue the magic pixie dust and glowing blue/green eyes again and Chloe becomes even more fiercely loyal to Clark.

Clark hands off the papers to Alia and another Kryptonian woman. In exchange for their gratitude, Clark attempts to find out who killed his father, Jor-El. Unfortunately, the magic pixie dust doesn’t work on them.  Alia is merely cryptic when she tells him to be careful if he intends on stepping up to Zod because he has a legion of followers.

After a hard day of helping illegal aliens (in the most far-out sense of the word) get their paper, Clark comes home to the Kent farm to find Lois looking like a refugee from “Mad Men” and “Leave it To Beaver,” complete with a string of pearls and chignon, cooking a pot roast and talking about engagement.  And even more crippling than green Kryptonite, she’s got on blue eyeshadow to match her dress.  Clark rushes out of there after hearing the “e-word” under the premise that he needs to work on a story.  Lois just stands there beaming with a Stepford smile on her face watching her honey hustle out the door. Clark realizes something big is up and tries to figure out what.  He runs into the fairy chick and asks her if there was something in the chocolates she gave to Lois.  Nothing there, but she tells him that her fairy dust prop was just some quarried meteor rock.  Great.

Meanwhile, back at Stately Luthor Mansion, Zod is peeping on Tess in a bubble bath wherehe’s sipping champagne.  They discuss The Book of Rao and that Clark is peddling fake I.D.s to the Kandorians.  Tess then tells an incensed Zod that the Kandorians look to Clark as their new hope, even though the Kandorians will prove to be a new hope to save Earth and show the planet mercy from all of the ecological damage humans have wreaked.  Zod tells her that when the satellites are up and running and he regains his powers, Tess will be the one who needs mercy. Oh, and he has her fingerprints from her champagne glass and will use them to access the codes.

While that’s only a minor disaster in the works, Lois and Chloe have their own disastrous confrontation.  Lois is moving into the Kent Farmhouse and Chloe tells her that this is a bad idea in both Lois’s interest and in Clark’s.  With both cousins under the influence of meteor rock, Lois goes for the gutter blow and tells Chloe that she’s still pining after Clark and that the only way she can get close to him is to play mother hen to him.  Harsh.  After a minor scuffle, Chloe breaks a framed picture of Lois and Clark together before stomping off.  (Uh, what happened to Chloe possibly shagging Oliver Queen?  She’s suddenly been back to being relegated as Super Spinster once again?!)

Lois then texts Clark with a 911 message to get him to come a-runnin’ home and he finds her in the attic having a homemaker meltdown.  He calms her down telling her how wonderful she is, which Lois immediately deems as a marriage proposal.  As soon as Clark leaves, she calls Ma Kent in Washington and asks her if she can wear her wedding dress (which is curiously modern for someone who got married as long ago as Ma Kent).  Lois then proceeds to do a goofy, embarrassingly Spider Man 3-level dance around the house while calling everyone possible, wearing said Mrs. Kent’s wedding dress.

Back at the Watchtower, Emil is running around like a madman because Chloe has shut him out of Watchtower’s systems.  Clark tells him to calm down and once again, there’s the glowing blue eyes and Emil really does chill out, to the point of being “Harold and Kumar” calm. 

Clark then decides that Zod must be behind all of these hijinx and goes off to find him.  Zod tells him that he didn’t kill Jor-El and that he never would since he was like a brother to him.  Although he admits that sure, he tortured Jor-El, he never would have killed him — just to make that clear.  He tells Clark that it was Tess who killed him when she kept him prisoner in her basement.  He also tells Clark that, as Jor-El’s firstborn, it’s the Kryptonian way as avenge his death and gank Tess.  Somehow, the persuasion power works itself on Clark and he convinces himself uncharacteristically to go seek revenge on Tess for dealing the death blow to dear ol’ Dad.

Speaking of Tess, Chloe breaks into Tess’s stronghold and threatens to wipe out her firewalls and destroy the solar tower.  Tess makes Chloe an offer to side with her and Chloe refuses with a supercharged chick-fight ensuing.  Clark shows up just as Chloe’s about to be punched into next Tuesday and tells Tess that the tower will make his powers disappear and he can’t let her bring it about.  He insists that he will save the planet, not the Kandorians or Zod.  (There goes that messiah complex again, Clark.) He then tells her that he has to punch her ticket because she killed his father.  Just as Clark attempts to terminate Tess for what he believes was her hand in Jor-El’s death, Chloe produces some green meteor rock and stops Clark in his tracks.

Which is fortunate, because Jor-El’s real killer, Assassin Alia, tells Zod that she killed Jor-El in the name of Rao because he thought that the cloned Kandorians were abominations.  She hands the gun to Zod and assumes the position to get taken out Kandorian gangsta-style.  Zod, no stranger to offing any of his soldiers, caps Alia even though he’s none to thrilled with having to kill one of his greatest warriors. 

Afterwards, with the meteor rock influence gone, Clark and Lois have a discussion about taking their relationship at a more even pace as Zod plans a traditional Kandorian funeral for Alia.  For some reason, Clark is there as Alia is laid out in a beautiful gleaming white ensemble with the Kandorian symbol burned into her forehead before she’s lit ablaze on her funeral pyre.

Chloe realizes that Alia can’t slay Chloe in the future because she’s dead now and that means this whole crazy future thing a few episodes back might not actually happen.  Woo-hoo!  Clark says there’s one way for sure that they can make sure the future she saw never happens — and that’s by scorching the solar towers with his heat vision to the tune of generic metal guitar riffs just as Zod gives a press conference.  As CEO Zod talks about how when the towers go live tomorrow, it will usher in an age of great power and possibilities, he looks upward and has a total FML moment as he sees them burning thanks to Kal-El.  Curses.  Foiled again.

This week’s two-hour episode of Smallville borrows elements from several well-established comic franchises: A dab of Watchmen here, a smidge of Marvel’s Civil War there, and of course, the JSA.  Things start off with Chloe blowing up Clark’s phone, telling him that they need to start taking their Super Clique more seriously when she runs into a man with a huge glowing staff named Sylvester Pemberton.  Pemberton tells her that they are both trying to put together a team and that he knows all about Watchtower.  He assures her that he’s a friend, right before he chucks her in a dumpster and fights off some sort of creature that sends atomic icicles everywhere, riddling him with holes.  When Chloe hops out of the dumpster, she tries to tend to Sylvester who manages to squeak out some cryptic last words to her: Check.    

Since it wouldn’t be an episode of Smallville without a trip to the hospital, Chloe is checked out and tells Clark what happened before she clones the data from Pemberton’s phone to her own Super Phone to get a bead on who Sylvester was. She discovers the last person he talked to (for 30 minutes… Sylvester must have a great calling plan!) was a Wesley Dodd. 

While at the hospital, a cute young blonde arrives, distraught that her best friend, Sylvester, was murdered. When Clark, in full reporter regalia tries to talk to her, she refuses to have any of it, expressing disdain for the press. 

Back at Watchtower, Chloe discovers the blonde’s name as Courtney Whitmore, a college sophomore.  She sends Clark on a mission to chat with Wesley Dodds.  Dodds was once a crime fighter wearing a fallout mask known as The Sandman, who dreamed of killers and used those dreams to apprehend them.  When Clark shows up at Dodds’ place, he’s a little too late with the Sandman looking like Swiss cheese thanks to the same projectile shards that Icicle (Yes… That’s this week’s albino, Billy Idol wannabe villain’s name this week.  Really.) shoved through him.  Cryptically, the words “JSA” are scrawled in blood on the wall. After Dr. Emil (who’s back this episode) does some analysis, the gang learns that there’s human DNA on these ice shards and they’re dealing with a meta-human here. 

Meanwhile, we see Icicle hanging out in a hospital with an old man on a respirator in a comatose state.  It’s his father, the original Icicle and sonny boy is out for revenge against those who made daddy a vegetable!

Along with this evidence, Clark brings back some old reel-to-reel footage found at Dodd’s abode.  The footage shows a much younger Pemberton and Dodd along with several other people.  Pemberton was arrested for embezzlement from his company and Dodds was present at a student demonstration turned violent.  Several other people that Clark and Chloe didn’t know were shown on this old footage, each of them seeming to possess no common thread or reason for them to know one another, each from a variety of walks of life including a boxer, research scientist, CEO of broadcasting company and even an old lady named Abigail Hunkel who was a butcher.

Although each of these people on the reel footage had no common threads, each tried to take the fall for one another and take the rap/protect them.  In sticking with each other, the convictions leveled against them never held and they were released. 

The reel footage leads Clark and Chloe to a mysterious — and really angry — man named Carter Hall who runs a sort of super hero museum.  Carter’s friend, Dr. Ken Nelson was also on this footage and is all sorts of nutty, muttering to himself about the murdered members of this circle and clutching a bowling ball bag.  Thanks to Clark’s x-ray vision, we see that inside the bowling ball bag, however, is the legendary golden helmet of Dr. Fate.  The helmet wiped the mind of Dr. Nelson with the spirit of Dr. Fate, allowing him to see visions of the future for all except himself.  Hall boots Clark and Chloe out of the museum before going back to being all sorts of angsty.

Not the only ones to visit Carter Hall and Dr. Nelson, Courtney pays them a visit.  It’s revealed that she was Sylvester’s protégé as the “Stars and Stripes Kid,” carrying the glow staff that Pemberton had been wielding in the alley.  She tells Carter that if he had listened, Sylvester might still be alive.  Somehow, these words sink in and Hall and Nelson pick up their super mantles once more.  In putting on his Dr. Fate helmet, Dr. Nelson becomes lucid once again, equipped with a really cool costume that encases him along with the helmet.  Carter Hall turns into Hawkman, with an even badder ass costume complete with wings, a winged masked helmet and golden mace.  Unfortunately for Courtney, Smallville blew the costuming budget on these two costumes and she got stuck with a red, white, and blue outfit that looked more like a gym uniform.  C’est la vie!

They try to avenge and find the person responsible for their teammates deaths.  Courtney encounters teen Icicle, who hurles some projectiles at her which Green Arrow shatters.  She’s angry at Ollie because he denied her the chance to avenge her mentor’s death.  Hawkman then shows up and hurls Ollie several stories upward, through the Watchtower stained glass window. 

Doing some sleuthing on the superheroes shown on the reel, Chloe discovers that the super villain that riddled both Dodds and Pemberton with holes, the original Icicle, has been in a coma for years and wonders how it could possibly be them.  She also expresses some disgust for her Watchtower crew with them never being around or not working as a unit. 

Dr. Fate is the first of the JSA to extend an olive branch, seeking out Chloe and telling her that she’s very much like him in the role of the Watchtower.  She sees the fates and lives of those around her while her own is obscured.

Clark, meanwhile, further explores the JSA’s mini museum of artifacts, copping a gander at Hawkman’s weapons, Mr. Terrific’s weight lifting belt, and Hawk Girl’s cracked helmet which implies that she died, possibly explaining why Hawkman is so grouchy.  The piece de resistance, however, is the Justice Society of America’s roundtable and a painting on the wall that’s like the superhero version of “The Last Supper,” portraying each of the JSA members in their prime, seated around a table.

More revelations occur when Courtney tells them that Sylvester had wanted to bring together a new group, combining the oldhead superheroes with the new kids.  Hawkman is instantly dismissive.  Chloe is also skeptical of a bunch of criminals who are supposed superheroes.  An indignant Courtney informs them that they made up those criminal records and don’t know the whole story.  The government had wanted them to unmask and had them arrested on trumped up charges, or institutionalized.  They fought back for as long as they could. 

In light of this info, there is a temporary alliance between Clark’s crew and the JSA. The alliance is further bolstered by the appearance of J’on J’onzz, the Martian Manhunter, who wants to help in spite of having been rendered powerless.  He channels Barrack Obama with a speech about hope and why he didn’t leave Earth when he could have, having faith in Clark and the rest of the young superheroes.   

Some heavy-duty bonding occurs when Chloe and Courtney have a sit-down at Watchtower headquarters.  Courtney tells her that maybe her team wouldn’t be such a disappointment if they had structured things more like the JSA.  Watchtower has no pictures, no cozy dining area.  Perhaps if things were a bit more Martha Stewart, her team would feel more like a family and hang out together on other occasions when it just didn’t involve fighting crime.  

Even Ollie and Hawkman bond through their angst with Hawkman divulging a bit of his past to him, recognizing that Ollie shares similarly douche-y qualities and anger because he hides his feelings for those he truly cares about.  Later on, we learn that Hawkman’s douchedom is because of the death of Hawkwoman.  Over 1,000 years ago, Hawkma and his love, Shyera were cursed by an enemy to eternally fall in love and watch each other die over and over throughout a succession of past, present, and future lives.  Ollie then attempts to snap Hawkman out of his death wish (something Ollie knows quite a bit about), recognizing that he stuck around to take care of Dr. Fate and now Courtney needs him as a strong mentor with Sylvester gone. 

From the new alliance, we’re taken to check in on teenage Icicle who is locked in a room along with Agent Waller (Pam Grier) from an organization known as Check Mate. (Possibly what Sylvester was talking about before he died.)  Agent Waller harps on Icicle about how the JSA had taken the only family he had left from him, rendering his father, Icicle Senior a vegetable.  Icicle Junior’s mother died from hypothermia, having frozen from the inside out since the kid she was incubating had carried his father’s powers. As it turned out, someone with high-ranking powers had pulled Icicle out of juvenile hall and taken them under their wing.  That would be Checkmate. 

Meanwhile, back at the Daily Planet, someone drops some documents on the JSA on Lois Lane’s desk just as Tess Mercer shows up to throw her weight around.  Lois takes a look at the bundle dropped on her desk, marked with the words “The Truth Will Set You Free.”  As Tess goes back to her office, she sees a chess piece sitting by her computer, possibly a calling card of Checkmate. 

Lois, however, is intrigued by this and goes searching after these JSA members and encounters Dr. Fate.  He tells her that she will eventually be the key to helping a “sentient savior” achieving his destiny.  Kind of a nice thing to hear. 

Dr. Fate also has some heart-to-heart chats with everyone else.  He tells Clark that he will lead this generation’s group and that when he shows himself for who he truly is (cape and all, from the vision), it will be in a different age… A Silver Age!  (A nice winking nod to the comic book fanboys and fangirls out there!)  Oh, and Dr. Fate also drops some knowledge on Clark that his greatest adversary in this life will be Lex Luthor… And that Lex is not dead.  He also tells him that Lois is his key, as well

The last person Dr. Fate spends some quality time with is J’on J’onzz.  He tells the former Martian Manhunter that he sees everyone’s fate but his own and senses that J’on is not human, even though he’s been forced to live as a human. Dr. Fate recognizes that he sacrificed his powers to save Clark because he sees a hero in Clark that Dr. Fate could only see with the visions through his helmet.  He learns that J’on was the sole survivor of Mars and that he had a wife and daughter he lost, like the family Dr. Fate lost when the mind of Dr. Nelson was wiped due to the Nabu mask.  

During this little heart-to-heart, Dr. Fate gets speared clean through by Icicle, who then steals his helmet.  Knocked unconscious, J’on is taken to the hospital, suspended in some state of incubation.

Back at the Watchtower, the JSA and the newbies are hanging out when Icicle breaks in and jacks up Chloe.  Surprise, it’s a newly restored Martian Manhunter with his powers back in full force, taking out Icicle.  He tells everyone that Dr. Fate’s final act was to restore his powers.  (And J’on also has on a green shirt with a criss-crossed red holster, reminiscent of the Martian Manhunter from the comics.  Nice touch.)

With Icicle in captivity and shuttled to prison, the JSA bonds with the new crew.  Hawkman tells Clark that he’s different than the rest of the new breed of superheroes.  There is no chip on his shoulder or no undercurrent of vengeance to his methods.  He encourages him to put together a group, although Clark acknowledges that he and his friends can’t be what the JSA were.  While this crew are the best friends he has, they lack something that the JSA possessed. 

Meanwhile, the restored J’on talks with Chloe, cautioning her again that she could become like Dr. Fate due to her constantly being inundated with info, as well as that someone else will end up taking the mantle of Dr. Fate with Dr. Nelson gone, once the helmet decides on who to choose as a successor.  Chloe acknowledges J’on’s concern when he that she, Clark, and Ollie are his family on Earth.  With that, he, Chloe, and Ollie prance off to a dinner with Chloe looking at the Watchtower with a Martha Stewart-esque eye.  Wonder if next week, the Watchtower will be bombarded with red and blue tea cozies and handicrafts?

Back at Checkmate heaquarters, Icicle is nutty foo-foo from having worn Dr. Fate’s helmet and not being able to handle it.  Agent Waller had himtransferred from three prisons and brought back there.  She tells him that although he didn’t kill the team responsible for making Daddy into a big, non-breathing carrot, the mission was accomplished by putting the JSA in the pubic eye.  Waller mentions that an army of heroes is growing and that they will need them if they’re going to survive the coming apocalypse.  Icicle is not too pleased and goes ballistic, prompting Waller to bust out her pistol, Foxy Brown-style and cap him, uttering the words “Suicide Squad.” 

Calmly walking out, Agent Waller greats Tess with an “Agent Mercer” as the redhead henchwoman to Lex Luthor waits outside, telling Tess it’s been too long since they’ve talked.  Dun-dun-DUN!!

All in all, a great super-sized episode of Smallville with a lot of revelations and interesting characters making cameo appearances.  However, a lot was packed into just one episode, particularly, a lot that anyone without some knowledge of D.C. Comics characters would find themselves confused.

Clark and Lois are coming off of a date at a Daily Planet-sponsored fund raiser.  While the rest of the reporting staff are okay with their two “top basement reporters” dating, Ollie seemed to be standoffish.  Granted, we don’t see Ollie being all sorts of awkward, we’re just given the details in between Clark and Lois’s stabs at PDA.  When Clark offers to give Lois his personal “tour of the galaxy” (again, his words, not mine), Lois tells him that she really wants to take things slow. It doesn’t matter anyway, since Clark’s super hearing alerts him to a woman’s cries and he makes up some ham-fisted excuse to go home and go save the woman.  Lois gets back in her car to go her separate way from their fifth official date and possibly give herself a tour of Lois Lane’s galaxy, when her car refuses to start.

A shadowy figure dressed in Oliver’s Green Arrow costume stands on a Metropolis rooftop and starts slinging arrows through Lois’s car when she goes to look under the hood.  After snarking, “Jealous much?” to the figure on the roof,  he winds back with the bow and arrow and fires one right through Lois’s shoulder.  She hits the ground pronto, bleeding and out cold.

Following the commercial break, Oliver is meditating in his dojo when a shadowy ninja figure breaks in, wearing an all-black ninja costume.  Oliver freaks out, not realizing that it’s Mia (AKA- Speedy, AKA- Pretty Woman with a blackbelt).  Since her face was covered, Oliver mistook her for a garden variety nut and not wanting Stately Queen Manor to become Luthor Mansion, where apparently even a 5-year-old could break in and get past security, Oliver tries to snap her windpipe.  She panics, telling him she was just trying to get the jump on him and that he was too zoned out that she didn’t even recognize when she was calling him by name.  Oliver snaps out of it when he receives a phone call from Chloe telling him what happened to Lois. 

Meanwhile, Clark comes home to find General Zod playing with an apple and prattling about the Trojan War and Adam and Eve.  He waxes all sorts of philosophical, noting that humans hoard knowledge, while Kryptonians teach that knowledge should be shared by all.  At the same time, I wax philosophical about why so many Kryptonians have British accents when there is no England on Krypton. 

From apples to oranges, Zod tells Clark that he worries about how brutal humanity is and that they need to figure out a way to restore the Kryptonian’s powers under the yellow sun.  It’s not so much as a request, but an order.  When that doesn’t work, he throws out a few family-flavored jabs about how he thinks that Clark blames him for Jor-El’s death.  He tells Clark that, having lost a son, he would never deprive someone else of a father.  Clark’s still not buying when he gets a call that Lois is in the hospital, leaving Zod back at the farmhouse and speeding to Lois’s side.

With her arm in a sling, she tells him that her assailant was dressed like Green Arrow. In the meantime, Ollie stands outside Lois’s room chatting with Chloe and debating whether or not to see Lois, considering she’s got boyfriend-type company.

Back at the Watchtower, Chloe pulls up some x-rays noticing that the arrow didn’t miss Lois’s heart or an artery that would have bled her out in minutes.  This arrow was shot by a real marksman who intentionally missed both.  This rings a bell with Oliver who heads to LutherCorp and starts digging through the files.  He hits upon a revelation, uttering a single word: Vortigern. 

Set on a path to stop this Dark Archer, Oliver sets up a bunch of surveillance photos at Queen Manor and tells Mia to get out of his house, dismissing himself as her mentor.  Meanwhile, Vortigern the Dark Archer is waiting in the shadows for Mia and kidnaps her.

Back at the Watchtower, the Dark Archer stands in one of the stained glass windows and shoots an arrow that grazes Chloe’s shoulder.  He beats a hasty retreat when Clark shows up.  Chloe isn’t quite convinced yet that it’s not Oliver gone rogue. She cracks and tells Clark that if he’s gone off the rails on the crazy train, she feels she may have had a hand in it, setting up the whole episode where she poised Oliver to save Victoria Sinclaire.  Clark is P.O.-ed that she did that, because only he’s allowed to not make the tough decisions, which he claims are always the right ones. Chloe retorts that she makes the necessary decisions.  Clark stomps off in a huff leaving Chloe to do some research. 

Back at the hospital, ding-dong! It’s General Zod bringing flowers to Lois! She has no clue who he is and he tells her that he’s an old friend of Clark’s who has heard all about her.  He introduces himself as Zod and is oh-so-vague about their history together. The entire exchange is rather strange, with Lois blathering on about how she feels like she sometimes doesn’t really feel like she knows Clark, and that his (adoptive, as Zod points out) parents probably didn’t even know him.  That’s quite a lot to share with someone you never met before.

Continuing with the weird. Zod gives Lois a charm that some “kids” were selling downstairs in the hospital like some sort of Kryptonian Girl Scout cookies. Lois accepts the shiny gold trinket.  Seeing this new, slimy side to Zod, I’m liking him a lot more.  Callum Blue plays slimy much better than he does uber-authoritative.

Lois is seen wearing the Kryptonian charm around her neck when she encounters Ollie after her release from the hospital, and he tells her that she’s the only thing he ever cared about.  She refutes the statement, informing him that Chloe has been recently targeted by the same person who shot her.  Oliver makes a connection that “a lover, an ally,” and now, possibly “a disciple” have been targeted. 

Chloe’s way ahead of him after Clark does some digging around and finds another sling of arrows with a Celtic knot symbol on them.  Chloe recognizes the symbol as a 13^th century Celtic society of vigilantes who have vowed to swear off lovers, friends, and disciples.

Oliver returns to his sanctuary to find the phrase, “When the student is ready, the master appears” scrawled across the walls in red paint. 

Meanwhile, Vortigern, chats with his prisoner, Mia.  He tells her that he’s the one who taught Green Arrow everything he knows.  He knows he may not come to meet him, but will come to save Mia.. But not before he throws her in the middle of this hedge n’ shrubbery labyrinth straight out of The Shining.

Some very formal dialogue about the apprentice heeding his master’s call ensues and Oliver and Vortigern face off.  Ollie tells him that although he treated him like his own son, he had to leave the society. Vortigern intends to hold him to the society’s vows and mentions that he was wounded for the first time and has slowed down mentally and physically.  In accordance with the laws of the society, he needs to be mowed down now before he becomes a less-than-accurate shadow of himself by his apprentice. Oliver, naturally, refuses to slay his father figure and mentor. The Dark Archer tells Oliver how he has a similarly dark heart and feels that Oliver abandoned his society not because he lacked a dark side,  but because he enjoyed the hunt too much.

Clark speeds off to try to help out Ollie, but not before he expresses his equal concern for Chloe, telling her that she’s changed and he worries about the emergence of her dark side, since she hasn’t pried herself away from behind a screen in the Watchtower in ages.  Chloe says she’s doing nothing different than he has by protecting people. 

Meanwhile, Mia’s still wandering around in the maze and the Dark Archer goads the Green Arrow into an arrow duel.  As Clark dives in front of Ollie to stop him from shooting, Ollie fires and shoots Vortigern in the shoulder in the same, non-lethal spot that the Dark Archer hit Lois.  Instead of being killed in his prime, Vortigern gets to go to prison and won’t get out until he’s an old man.  Gee, that’s so much better.

Things resolve themselves with Oliver telling Mia he will be her mentor again and they’re besties once more! 

On another of Clark and Lois’s dates, he spots the Kryptonian charm necklace Zod gave Lois as she tells him all about meeting Clark’s old chum.  Clark seeks out a passive-aggressive Zod and tells him that Lois is off limits.  Zod tells him that he’ll do anything he damn well pleases to Clark’s face and then tells one of his lieutenants that he can’t wait for the day when he and his Kryptonian brethren have their powers restored and Kal-El is by his side… or a prisoner in his stockade.

Next week, get ready for a two-hour episode focusing on the Justice Society/Justice League called, Smallville: Absolute Justice.

Picking up where last week’s episode of Smallville, Lois is still comatose following her seizure-riffic smoochfest with Clark. After being nabbed from the hospital, she’s on a slab in Belle Reeve, thanks to Tess Mercer and attended by her double-agent, computer geek minion, Stuart.  Together, thanks to Stuart’s technological know-how, they’re somehow able to tap into Lois’s mind and see what she’s seeing: the future. 

An image of Zod’s solar tower is front and center in Lois’s mind.  This concerns Tess greatly, considering the blueprints for the tower haven’t been released to the public.  Furthermore, Zod’s solar tower looks all sorts of Third Reich-y with red flags galore (in both a literal and figurative sense).  Turns out, the location Lois had disappeared to at the beginning of this season was the future. 

In Lois’s living vision of the future, she encounters a human-hating Kryptonian (who exists pretty much for expository purposes to the audience at home) and sees a red sun amidst post-Apocalyptic, Mad Max-level carnage.  The Kryptonian then tells her that her Red-Blue Blur is dead and points to a tattered shirt with Jor-El’s “S” insignia.

Back in the present, Tess attempts to Quantum Leap into the future with the aid of Teen Minion Stu. Meanwhile, Lois’s dream is not exactly a dream and she’s stuck in a future where the Kent family farm is now a Kryptonian gulag.  The gulag’s warden is Alia the Saucy Kryptonian Ninja Assassin, whom prisoners must barter with. FutureClark arrives on the scene just in time to proffer the Legion ring that transported Lois to the future in the first place, giving it to Alia, who followed Lois to the present.

Lois, happy to see FutureClark, listens to his explanation that he tried to fight Zod and couldn’t win. Zod’s solar tower gives back the power to the Kandorians while simultaneously stripping Clark of his.

Somehow, (because this episode keeps ping-ponging back and forth like Memento and isn’t terribly clear), Lois is in shackles, nabbing treats from a table, having breeched security in the old Luthor mansion where Zod has taken up residence. Zod tries to pry info out of Lois as to how she landed in the future and broke into Stately Luthor Manor.  (Although, regardless of how long you’ve been watching Smallville, it’s common knowledge that Luthor Manor is probably the easiest place to break into).  Their conversation is interrupted by Tess Mercer, the Ultimate Eco Terrorist. Tess explains that she worked hard to get Clark to see that she and Zod were to save Earth from itself and its inhabitants by turning the reins over to Zod and his homies. As a reward, Zod gives Tess Kryptonian dog tags in return for betraying the human race.

Suddenly, a bunch of masked vigilantes break into the mansion (surprise, surprise).  Oliver Queen has got some Kryptonite-laced arrows and bum rushes Luthor manor with the rest of the Justice League, slitting throats and taking names. Although Ollie is the most recognizable member, it is actually Chloe who is the one leading the charge and who stands as the head of the League.

In the fracas, Tess is shot with an arrow and dies in Oliver’s arms.  Chloe was the one who capped her and boy is Ollie hopping mad. FutureChloe is all sorts of emotionless, angry at FutureClark and offing everyone she has to for the greater good. Ollie ends up burying Tess and removes the Kryptonian dog tags as Lois looks on.  

As dirt is shoveled on FutureTess’s face, PresentTess wakes up and tells Stuart it’s dangerous for her and Lois to have memories of the future and orders him to wipe their minds.  Stuart refuses, fearing leaving Lois a vegetable and Tess shoots Stu with zero hesitation.  Clark walks in to see this and Tess attempts to cover her tracks.  Clark’s not having any of it and tosses her to the side, rendering her unconscious as he attempts to put the Kryptonite plugs in to send himself to the Future.

Back in the future, Chloe tells everyone how Zod’s solar tower is key to the Kandorian/s power.  It reflects radiation and turns the sun red. They need to bring back the yellow sun so that Clark can save the world and regain his powers. Chloe has a plan which involves unleashing a computer virus to shut down the tower.

Lois is baffled and still clueless to Clark’s Kryptonian origins, in spite of Chloe’s speech. Clark gives her a ham-fisted explanation of how he trained himself to fight Zod and his history with them, leaving out pertinent details such as he’s the son of Jor-El and hails from Krypton  Apparently, this explanation, a shirtless FutureClark (who, incidentally, looks to have only been training the glamour muscles) and the Red Sun makes Lois all sorts of moist and they get their freak on. Because, sometimes, when you’re trying to save the world, you just have to keep your priorities in order.

Back in the present, Dr. Emil takes a look at Clark and wants to pull him out of the future.  Chloe insists it’s for the best to leave him there.  Clark out would put a lot of people in danger. Clark needs to be in the future to find out how he can avoid destroying the world.

Right before Chloe’s virus destroys Zod’s solar tower, Alia shanks Chloe and kills her. Ollie comes to the rescue, bow drawn and shoos her away.  Meanwhile, Zod is dragging a helpless FutureClark around by his legs through the dirt and demands the Legion ring for the transport device.  Just as Zod prepares to give Clark a Kryptonian curb stomping, eradicating the House of El forever, Chloe’s virus destroys the tower and ends Zod’s reign.  Clark, foolishly, tells Zod his plan to send Lois back to the present so she can save the world and puts the ring on her. Everyone goes back to the present, including the assassin.

Back in the present, Lois; memories from the future are gone, but Clark has them and has an idea of how to stop Zod…. But not before sharing some banter with Lois at the Daily Planet and pondering serious coupledom. 

Back at the Watchtower, Clark tells Chloe that he’s seen what happens when he treats Zod as the enemy.  Perhaps what Jor-El meant when he said “Save Zod” was to save him from himself and become Zod’s BFF. 

Much like PresentClark has FutureClark’s memories of events of things to come,, PresentZod shares FutureZod’s info.  On a mission of peace, Clark heads back to Kandorian headquarters to make nice and Zod orders his Kandorian minions to all kneel before Kal-El. Awkward!  We’ll find out where all this is headed when Smallville resumes on January 22, 2010.

A large crate arrives at the Daily Planet. When Lois and Clark – bickering and bantering back and forth like an old married couple – finally open the box, they find a pair cops stripped down to their skivvies and bound and gagged, the result of a botched undercover drug bust. Clark nearly drops a load of kryptonite in his Super Shorts when he sees someone has co-opted his Blur’s “S” and made it into a window display on a Metropolis high rise. Lois, meanwhile, gets a little tingly in her undies over the prospect of the major scoop in retaliation for The Blur dodging her phone calls.

Lois is losing faith in The Blur and her editor chides her that he wants a story on this, especially since thanks to a Blur blunder, a prominent crime boss is back on the street. Instead of banging out a story, Lois heads to her shrink to tell her doctor how she has dreams about banging out yet another, much more erotic story with Clark.  Mid-session, Lois’s phone rings with her refusing to pick up and we discover The Blur has his very own ringtone: “Holding Out For a Hero.”

Across town, a shapeshifting goth chick named Jayna and her equally shapeshift-y neo-grunge brother, Zan, corner the drug lord in his limo and crash it by stunning the driver by morphing into their puma and rottweiler forms, respectively.  After spraypainting a big “S” on the hood of the limo to give props to The Blur, Jayna snaps a photo of it with her very distinctive, blinged out phone with a picture of Gleek the Spacemonkey on it in rhinestones.  As an electrical tower collapses onto the limo, the Wonder Twins beat a hasty retreat and Jayna accidentally leaves her phone at the site.

At the site, Lois investigates while keeping her eye on a Metropolis D.A. who is running for mayor on the platform of discrediting The Blur.  Lois also finds herself questioning what seems to be the Blur’s rash of mistakes and “quarterlife crisis.” Prior to joining Lois at the site, Clark is dispatched by Chloe to the Wonder Twins apartment, tracked via Jayna’s phone and brings them back to the Watchtower.

Chloe then demonstrates her technologically strong pimp hand, threatening to delete Zan and Jayna’s web prescence and gets to the bottom of the orphaned Wonder Twins’ story, discovering why they are ruining the Blur’s rep.  As it turns out, they were merely inspired by their hero, The Blur, and are attempting to continue his work and want to help him – even if their attempts reek of botch. Once again, the Blunder Twins unwittingly help to bring about the most epic fail so far, accidentally Gilligan-ing the machine that helps to distort Clark’s voice while he’s on the phone with Lois as The Blur.  Lois finally picks up the phone when The Blur calls her, allowing him to explain he was not responsible for what had happened.  Thanks to the Blunder Twins messing with the voice modulator, Lois hears Clark’s voice telling him to trust her at the end of the conversation. The super jig is up and Lois realizes that she no longer has to reconcile her feelings of attraction for both The Blur and Clark since they’re one and the same.

In downtown Metropolis, the corrupt D.A. calls out The Blur to appear and account for his crimes. You, sir, are no Harvey Dent! Swung firmly back onto Team Blur, Lois bum-rushes the press conference and makes an impassioned plea for the public to exonerate The Blur. After privately threatening to expose the D.A. sucking the city dry of funds, he retaliates by taking her to the rooftop where The Blur’s shield has been drawn on the ground.  He tells her he has his own idea for a frontpage story: “The Blur Murders Lois Lane.” The D.A. hurls Lois off the building and miraculously, she catches and hangs onto a flagpole perched precariously on the edge of the building.

Clark spots her and zips up to the building and tries to help her, reaching out.  (Get it together and learn to fly already, Clark!) Lois refuses to allow Clark to reveal himself as The Blur and loses her grip. Clark zips down into the fog created by the Wonder Twins who have shapeshifted to catch Lois as she hurtles towards the ground, gently placing her on the ground.

Clark zips down to make sure Lois wasn’t splattered on the ground and finds himself grateful to the now-redeemed Blunder Twins.  Lois looks up, bewildered, and says to him “Even after all this, you still can’t tell me,” that he’s really The Blur.  Clark’s secret identity is saved by the bell, literally, as the pay phone (they still have those things!?) starts ringing.  The voice of The Blur on the other end says that he hopes this made it up to Lois for not calling her before.

Clark later asks Chloe how she managed to achieve this and she shows him the new software she used to replicate Clark’s distorted Blur Voice.  She made the call at the last minute to throw Lois off his track, knowing that she was hot on his heels.  Clark, in turn, takes issue that Chloe’s been listening in on his private conversations and playing “Big Brother.”  She tells him it was for his own good, that Lois never would have stopped until she knew his secret identity if she had still believed he was the Blur.

While he won’t reveal himself to his girlfriend, Clark does out himself as The Blur to the Wonder Twins, telling them to believe in the shield and what it represents.  He tells them to be more careful in their actions, yet that he was flattered that they held fast to his message, proud to inspire others to become heroes themselves.

Back at the Daily Planet, Clark makes a ham-fisted attempt to explain what he’s been hiding from Lois: That he’s a bit nearsighted.  Taking a pair of horn-rimmed, coke bottle glasses out of his pocket, this is one more step on the Smallville writer’s team to spin Clark in the direction of Classic Kent.  Lois suggests something more modern, such as contacts.  After taunting Clark that she’ll only call him four-eyes once in awhile she plants a passionate one on him, inducing yet another one of her weird, red-tinted waking visions, including such favorites as Red Sun, Dead Chloe, and Frisky Clark and Lois before passing out in Clark’s arms before the credits and previews for next week’s ep roll.

In a Lois-free, soap opera drama-free, Smallville finally makes some decent headway on the Kandorian/Kryptonian storyline, revealing the source of Zod and Jor-El’s rivalry.  (Julian Sands guest stars as Clark’s Kryptonian pappy, a more than acceptable substitute for Terence Stamp.)  Several other major reveals are dropped, including Tess’s knowledge of Clark/Kal-El’s true identity and origins. All in all, this was a refreshing change of pace from the love story-centric episodes of the past few weeks.  

Things kick off with a flashback of Major Zod (and the rest of the Kandorian soldiers) in the middle of a war 20 years before the destruction of Krypton. Jor-El requests the blood of Zod and several other Kandorians for a project he terms as his life work.  He congratulates Zod on his inspiring speech to rally the troops for what we can only assume is a Kryptonian civil war.  Just then, a big, mushroom cloud erupts on the spot where Kandor once stood.  An astonished and emotionally overwhelmed Major Zod is pulled to safety by Jor-El as Kandor – and Zod’s family —  is blown to itty-bitty pieces.

Flash forward to present day Earth and Major Zod is giving yet another speech to the last remaining sons and daughters of Krypton.  This one pertains to the son of Jor-El flaunting his fabulous powers amongst the Earthlings.  In Jor-El’s last, marvelous cloning experiment which resurrected them, he neglected to gift them with the same abilities they would have under the Yellow Sun as The Blur now has on Earth.  He believes if they find The Blur, they will find their powers.

Meanwhile, Chloe is wrapped up in Kandorian research at the Watchtower and gives Clark the rundown.  She tells him that Tess knows all about the Kandorians, but not before snarking out loud that “The ‘I Love Lois’ show is pre-empted” for Clark to take on his superhero duties. Other than the snide remark, Chloe seems to be over Clark.  Equally understanding, Ollie shows up bearing no semblance of awkwardness (in spite of the fact that Lois chose Clark over him last week) and offers to accompany Clark on a mission to find a Kandorian Klue.

Clark and Ollie are wandering in the desert like Moses squared, following the coordinates that Chloe gave them to search for yet another crazy Kryptonian artifact.  Clark uses his superpowers to melt sand into glass, which makes a neat-o Super Shield in the middle of the desert… And unearths Jor-El’s dog tags, which means Big Daddy is on Earth. 

Not only is Jor-El on Earth, he’s also driving Pa Kent’s truck and shows up at the Kent Family Farm.  Chloe visits the Kent farm and encounters Jor-El, who is totally unaware that Krypton has been destroyed and that he has a son named Kal-El.  Smile! You’re on Kandor Kamera!

Jor-El rambles about an experiment and we’re treated to a flashback in which Jor-El stands before an androgynous Kryptonian council who charges him with treason.  His best friend, decorated war hero Major Zod, intercedes on his behalf and touts Jor-El’s accomplishments of creation and cloning DNA.  The council allows Jor-El to live, on the condition that he includes both his and Zod’s DNA in his experiment, ensuring that two of Krypton’s greatest heroes will live on to propagate the species should Krypton fall in the same way Kandor did.

Back at the farm, Jor-El remembers Hiram Kent, Clark’s adoptive grandfather and how loving a home the Kent farm was when he had visited it on his rite of passage eons ago.  He was pleased to know that this was where Clark had ended up and that the Kents became his family. 

Just as Jor-El and Chloe are getting acquainted, Papa El finds himself tazed by Tess’s minions and hauled back to stately Luthor Manor. She was the one who released Jor-El from his bubble and tells him that she wants to protect Kal-El. She lets him in on the plan that she’s allowed Zod to think that she’s in cahoots with him.  Her plan is to have Jor-El to convince the Kandorians that he is The Blur.  She plops it in Jor-El’s lap that he’s the one with all the juice to protect Clark/Kal-El and keep his existence from Zod.

Zod manages to brush past Luthor “security” for a nightcap and a progress report on tracking Jor-El.  He waxes poetic on wine, mixing business with pleasure, and Shakespeare as Tess turns him down cold. As it turns out, this was just a ruse and Zod had his people snap up Jor-El from the Luthor cellar.  Tess just smiles.

Back at the Watchtower, Chloe reviews the farm surveillance tape and sees Jor-El jacked by Tess’s minions.  Ollie tries to talk Clark out of stepping to Ms. Mercer, offering to speak to his (yet another) ex.  Clark zooms past them, eager to find Pa El himself. 

Zod, believing Jor-El is The Blur, wants him to pay it forward to his own people instead of the people of Metropolis.  Another flashback reveals the source of the rift between Zod and Jor-El.  Zod lost his wife and children in the Kandorian holocaust and asks Jor-El to bring his son back, using a lock of the boy’s hair he kept with him. Jor-El refuses on moral grounds and Zod declares their friendship dead.  Although this is understandable, Zod should have been more cheesed that Jor-El let him go around dressed like Grand Moff Tarkin.  Friends don’t let friends dress like C-list Star Wars characters. 

Back in the present, Jor-El points the finger at Zod for staging a military coup which ultimately destroyed Krypton. He tells him the DNA of the Kandorians/Kryptonians here on Earth has been neutralized with Blue Kryptonite and questions his motives, citing selfish morality or the greater good.  He also mentions that the DNA replicants are different people from who they were on Krypton, having families and children of their own there that they do not know ever existed.

Zod dissects Jor-El’s speech and realizes that he’s been protecting someone, namely a son.  He releases Jor-El and tells his minions that Jor-El will lead him to Clark/Kal-El and they can retrieve their powers.

Clark busts in on Tess at the oh-so-secure Luthor Manor.  After showing Tess that his choke game is pro, Tess acknowledges that she knows exactly who Clark/Kal-El is and his Kryptonian origins. Clark could care less since he realizes Tess used Jor-El as bait to find the other Kandorians.  Clark races back to the farm and finds a dying Jor-El with multiple stab wounds.  After asking him to save Zod, Jor-El dies in Clark’s arms.  (Clark’s fathers seem to have a shorter shelf life than goldfish on Smallville.) 

Holding Jor-El’s dog tags, Clark reminisces with Ollie about losing both Pa Kent and Jor-El.  As a fellow fatherless child, Ollie tells Clark that regardless of their differences, he has his back. 

In the Watchtower, Chloe goes over the footage of Jor-El on the farm and sees he had another reason for visiting Smallville, holding another Kryptonian key.  As Clark gives Pa El a proper burial, Zod watches.  Clark vows there is no way he can or will save Zod, despite his father’s wishes since he knows what Zod becomes.  Ouch.

This week, Kandorian hijinx take a backseat to Lois and Clark aspiring to become the new Regis and Kelly.  Desperate to get her mug on television and broaden her scope, Lois dubs print journalism a dying breed. And because Lois has so much journalistic integrity, she opts the career path of a fluffy, coffee-talk sort of morning show instead of a hard news show like 60 Minutes.  Even better, she recruits Clark to submit an audition tape along with her for a new show.  With their sparkling chemistry evident on film, the producers only agree to take Clark and Lois as a package deal.  Their first assignment: Each of them has to go on a blind date on camera. Clueless Clark’s televised blind date is up first with a gorgeous blonde named Catherine. He’s adorably clumsy yet still manages to make Lois seethe with jealousy with Cat on their café date. 

Across town, Oliver’s got a new plaything named Mia.  Mia is a prostitute by night and a one bad mutha in an underground fighting ring during the other part of the night.  In spite of the fact that Mia can clean the clocks of five guys twice her size in hand-to-hand combat, she still can’t escape her pimp/promoter.  Enter Oliver Queen who attempts to save Mia and enlist her in the League. It’s all very Pretty Woman meets UFC with Ollie stepping into the role of Richard Gere to Mia’s Julia Roberts – right down to buying her new clothes and setting her up with someplace to stay.  He cites this good deed on the fact that his own friends helped him to find a way out of his problems. 

Lois, on the other hand, complicates matters by showing up at Oliver’s bachelor pad, looking to her ex to help her brainstorm on how her dating segment can make an impact – and out-do Clark and Catherine.  The former couple’s uncomfortable walk down memory lane is made all the more uncomfortable when Lois spots Mia getting out of the shower.  Although Oliver’s relationship with Mia is purely platonic, Lois interprets it as otherwise and turns several shades of jealous n’ judgmental.  Although she has strong feelings for Clark, she throws Ollie some mixed signals with the jealousy.

Figuring what better way to win back Lois than to help her win the job, Oliver picks up on these signals and pays off Lois’s on-camera date to step in himself.  Metropolis’ most eligible bachelor bares his heart and soul to Lois, going from Richard Gere in Pretty Woman to Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire.  In not so many words, Ollie tells Lois that she completes him.  In turn, Lois takes a page out of the Clark n’ Chloe Handbook and banishes Ollie to the Friends Zone.  Twisting the knife just a little bit more, she tells him she loves Clark. 

After both Clark and Lois lose the morning show hosting gig to none other than Clark’s blind date, Cat Grant, Clark goes for broke and kisses Lois, returning her feelings. 

In the non-soap opera capacity on Smallville, Chloe is off tracking Kandorians and needs to crack Tess Mercer’s nearly impenetrable firewalls.  Discovering that the whiz behind the one aspect of Luthor security that actually works is a young, cute computer whiz named Stuart, Chloe enlists him to Team Good Guy pulling him from Tess’s clutches.  Here’s hoping this potential Season 9 romance for Chloe doesn’t turn out like the others. 

Meanwhile, at stately Luthor Manor, Tess is building her own area 51.  A drop-in visit from the Smallville Continuity Fairy offers a reminder that she probably inherited Lex’s collection of Kryptonian memorabilia.  Tess is also putting in yet another appearance at a black tie business affair, outlining developments that Luthor Corp. is assisting AAO in building an impressive solar tower that will harness enough power to run Metropolis.  The real kick in the pants here is that a Mr. Zod (as in “Kneel before”) is the Chairman and CEO of AAO. 

Well aware that Mr. Zod is a Kandorian, Tess demands that he respect her authoritah.  Zod pish-toshes Tess and informs her that he is a man and a Kandorian and will not stand on equal footing with Tess, a mere human and a woman.  (Zod, in addition to being an intergalactic douche, is also sexist and specieist, too.)  Having pre-installed one of his bald, hulking Kandorian minions as head of security at stately Luthor Manor (which explains why it’s easier to get into the House that Lionel Built than a Chinese restaurant at Christmas), he orders his minion to take out Tess. 

Trumping Zod himself, Tess has one of her own minions gift Zod with his fallen Kandorian minion’s bloodied dog tag.  As Zod puts down his espresso in disbelief, Tess stands across the street hoisting her cup o’ java in victory before disappearing.  Sip on that, Zod!

Emo now comes in blonde with Oliver Queen gambling away his fortune at a Metropolis casino.  Still distraught over having disposed of Lex Luthor, he encounters a smokin’ hot Asian chick wearing a cheongsam dress that barely covers an elaborate dragon tattoo stretching from her back down her thigh.  Known as “Roulette,” she offers him a choice of what’s beneath three metal decanters.  He chooses the one that houses a red pill and decides to indulge. 

Next thing you know, Oliver finds himself – and his snazzy white suit – trapped in a coffin with a flashlight.  Wow.  How Kill Bill Vol. 2 is this scenario?!  Ollie sees another coffin emblazoned with the name “Alexander Luthor” and busts it open, seeing a pair of speakers.  The voice emanating from the speakers must be reading from the Saw handbook, indulging in a very Jigsaw-esque dialogue with Ollie about the lives he’s destroyed.  The voice asks him if he’s had his rabies shot and things go from Saw  to Cujo in a matter of seconds as Ollie hides in a car from the dog, and the doors lock themselves.  Cue the possessed tractor trailer from Maximum Overdrive which plows into Oliver’s Cujo mobile.

Back at the Kent farm, it’s movie night with Clark and Lois.  Lois flirts with Clark over laundry before popping in one of her favorite movies with a shark.  Clark’s hypersensitive hearing hears a waitress in distress and kicks into Blur mode.  He saves the waitress from the attacker and manages to come back in record time with popcorn with extra butter.  Midway through the film, Lois switches gears and complains to Clark how today was Oliver’s birthday and they always go play beer pong together on their birthdays. She’s upset because she hasn’t heard from him all day. This strikes her funny because most people always want to hang out with their ex and slice open old wounds on their birthday.  Then again, Lois is in her own sort of happy dream world because she thinks it’s a great idea to get teary-eyed about your ex to the dude you’re currently crushing on.  Really.

As Oliver manages to emerge from the wreckage of the car relatively unscathed, he stumbles back into the club and sees Roulette.  She tells him, in a very Bond-girl sort of way, that someone is after him before fending off some attackers with madd martial arts skillz together. 

After fleeing the casino, she tells him her name is Victoria and that she’s hired by some high-rollers who often seek revenge.  She asks him what was it that he did to someone that they want to see him dead?  Seconds later, Victoria gets shot in the stomach.  As Oliver’s luck would have it, the 5-0 pulls up and shoots him with a tazer after seeing him crouched over Victoria’s dead body. 

While Ollie finds himself with some serious explaining to do, Clark and a concerned Lois search for Oliver, checking everywhere, including his jet.  (How often do you hear that?) Lois goes snooping and comes up with footage from last week’s episode where Oliver almost stepped off the platform to off himself during the Toyman gala incident.  Visibly upset upon learning Ollie’s on the Kevorkian Fast Track, Lois is angry at Clark for not telling her that her ex wants to off himself, insisting he lied to her. Suddenly, it’s as if Lois morphed into Clark’s beloved Lana Lang with shades of her infamous “Secrets and lies!!” schpiel… And Clark swoons even more over Lois.

Meanwhile, Oliver is taken into custody and released.  Well, not really “released,” just given the illusion that he’s been released before gas fills the room before a computer screen pops up so Ollie can watch his bank account get drained in seconds.  Clark finds him with his super-awesome hearing yet again and carts him back to Watchtower headquarters.

Following his tiff with Lois, Clark and Oliver make their way back to Chloe in the Watchtower.  Oliver explains the details of what happened and Watchtower Chloe cues up information on Victoria/Roulette.  Apparently, she’s a hired gun who takes out enemies of high rollers.  As Oliver makes with the emo and icily glares at Chloe (because he’s still sooooo mad at her!), Chloe secretly shows Clark that she’s been keeping tabs on his computer and what he’s been watching.  I wonder if she’s installed a camera in his shower, too?  Although tracking down Oliver is a priority, Chloe cues up some video footage of last week’s Luthor Corp. gala.  Turns out, Toyman wasn’t the only baddie in attendance as Chloe points out a Kryptonian  assassin with a Candorian family crest tattoo on her shoulder in the crowd that Clark had buried before.  Apparently, she’s back like Jordan.

Speaking of resurrections, Victoria is still alive… and she’s got Oliver’s car.  Lois, still on a mission to track down her ex, spots Victoria and grills her about where she got the car and claims it was a “gift” and for Lois to back off.  That’s the wrong thing to say to Ms. Lane who engages Victoria in some serious fisticuffs.  Victoria ends up, well… victorious.  Oliver is lured back to Club Roulette and sees a figure in a familiar looking red dress seated at the bar with her back to him.  Armed with his info about Victoria, Ollie’s packin’ heat and aims the gun at the back of the red dress.  Getting a little gun shy, he puts the pistol down, not wanting to “kill” again. This turns out to be a good thing because it turns out that it’s a bound and gagged Lois wearing the dress, having been taken hostage by Victoria/Roulette.  Well DUH!! I could have told you that!  The red cheongsam dress wasn’t backless and you couldn’t see a giant, honking tattoo on her back (and the fact that this is Smallville) was a dead giveaway.

After a struggle and knocking Lois unconscious, Victoria gets away and intends on setting the place on fire. The only problem is, she ends up trapping herself after a part of the ceiling traps her in a flaming room.  She calls for help and Oliver attempts to rescue her by trying to pry part of the ceiling off of her.  But wait, she’s not trapped. And the gas jets for the “flames” go out, too. It was just a carefully orchestrated scheme for her to point out that Oliver still has a hero within him that needs to come out.  She tells him that her continual line of Saw-like questioning “Who did you destroy” was the answer.  And that answer was a mirror.

As it turns out, the rest of the Justice League (minus Clueless Clark who has no idea this was a big ol’ clinic on how superheroes stage an intervention) and Chloe-as-Watchtower were behind it the whole time.  Victoria/Roulette wasn’t just a hired gun, but rather, their hired gun to help snap Ollie out of his funk.  Chloe tells Oliver she had never meant for Lois to get involved, she just happened to stumble upon the plot.  And just to ensure Oliver didn’t end up getting Super Punk’d, she loaded his gun with blanks so that he wouldn’t accidentally cap Lois or anyone else. 

With Oliver having realized just how wonderful life is, the only thing left for him to do is work damage control with Lois.  Rather than divulge all of the details of the Justice League’s intervention, he makes up a story that Victoria is a psycho ex who turned into a bunny boiler and he was sorry she got caught up in the middle.  Lois confesses her still-lingering feelings for Oliver in her thinly-veiled “I’m going to kick your ass if you try to kill yourself again” Lois way.

Meanwhile, Chloe’s all happy now that Ollie’s back (and that he’s talking with Lois, which frees up Clark).  In a very Batman-esque overhead shot of Metropolis, Ollie is in full Green Arrow regalia standing on a large gargoyle on top of a building.  The Green Arrow and Clark (in his curiously Columbine Blur gear) share a superhero bonding moment and the credits roll.

While it was a necessary – albeit too neat – one-hour resolution to snapping Oliver out of his suicidal doldrums, this episode is indicative of the plodding, semi-directionless pace Smallville is taking this season.  There has been no major story arc yet, particularly since Oliver has now been pulled back from the brink.  Furthermore, they seem to have lost all sense of continuity.  In the span of a single episode, Lois has gone from the full-on “I *heart* Clark mode” that she was in last week, to dredging up teary-eyed feelings for her ex-Oliver.  Not that I could blame her, considering that Clark has exhibited Super Douche tendencies towards Lois, bailing on their “like a date”s at random.  Again, Chloe has been relegated to martyr status and seems to be quite comfy within that assigned role.  Not only is she the loyal friend to Clark, she’s in Ollie’s loyal friend zone, too.  Oh, and the Kryptonian hijinx just keep a-comin’ with even more subdivisions to the Kryptonian caste system alluded to.  I’m not sure how this is going to figure in what with the cameo appearances of Zod’s colony on Earth, but it seems rather contrived.

It’s Halloween so it must be Saw!  No, actually, it must mean an episode of Smallville featuring the Toyman.  It sure looks like the latest installment of Saw, however, with a group of people bound and gagged in a warehouse with a life-size marionette eyeing up the captives. Clark-as-The-Blur comes to the rescue, releasing the hostages and absorbing the blast from the sticks of dynamite wired to the doll. 

Just as Clark is changing in a nearby telephone booth, Lois Lane pulls up to the scene of the crime in search of a scoop. Apparently, as a result of the explosion, Clark can now hear everyone’s thoughts.  Particularly Lois’s libidinous lustings aimed in Clark’s general direction. Back at the Daily Planet, Clark is still hearing Lois’s thoughts, which lean towards the “I should have worn panties” variety before the two step into the elevator.  (I was half expecting a cheap, “going down” joke to crop up here, but Smallville kept it relatively classy. I was impressed.)

After confiding in Chloe about his newly acquired superpower, Clark visits the Fortress of Solitude to ask Big Daddy Jor-El what’s going on.  As it turns out, Clark’s new ability to hear the innermost thoughts of others was something Jor-El had planted within him to be triggered at a time when Clark would most need it. Although it’s only temporary, Jor-El expounds that this new power will help Clark to focus on what he has to and to help him overcome his recent string of errors in judgment.

Jor-El’s noble safeguard comes in extra-handy when pumping the hospitalized hostages for info along with Lois and attempting to get some leads on the story.  Even better, Clark realizes that his newfound powers are better than roofies for scoring a date!  In turn, Clark reads Lois’s mind and asks her out on a “like a date” to the Monster Truck Rally. 

Meanwhile, on another continent, Ollie stumbles into what we’re led to believe is a Meican bar, throwing tons of pesos and dollar bills at the barkeep while macking on two foreign hotties. Things go south of the border in a hurry when Hottie Numero Dos’ mobster hubby walks in and points out Ollie’s been cozying up to his Señora. 

Just as Ollie almost gets his death wish (or severe ass whoop wish), in the standard, Smallville act of deus ex machina, Tess Mercer shows up sporting a leather vest and a Lara Croft outfit and fires a semi-automatic at the ceiling, scaring off the mobsters.  Having a heart to heart with her former flame and current business partner, Oliver questions her motives.  Tess tells him she’s here to Dog: Bounty Hunter his sad, drunken carcass back to the States with her to a black tie gala to address the shareholders of Luther Corp..  She also assures him he can pass out in the gutter like a common stewbum after it’s all over.

Back at their apartment, Lois is getting ready for her big “like a date” with Clark.  Which brings us to the “Let’s Twist the Knife in Chloe’s Heart” portion of the show! Lois spouts off about how she never dreamed she would ever feel this way about Clark and her fantasies of a “Clark and Lois against the world.”  You can almost hear the bile rising in Chloe’s throat and the sound of a potential supervillainess being created. 

Heading over to the Daily Planet to meet up with Clark, Chloe calls him on his mental roofie-ing and takes a righteous stance that he has no right reading her cousin’s mind and will not allow him to break her heart.  Clark appeals to Chloe’s latent inner-reporter and tells her about the tip he overheard at the hospital that it’s Toyman behind the hostages and explosion. 

With Chloe shut up in the Watchtower, Clark merrily skips to the Luther Corp. black tie gala, with special merger guest, Oliver Queen. (thanks to the super-fast Luther Corp jet, bringing back stray millionaires for over a decade!) Scanning the mind of the doorman, Clark attempts to figure out an alias on the list to get inside when he’s interrupted by a large, Monster Truck.  Lois steps out, gussied up in a cocktail dress having managed to get the driver to deliver her to the gala.  Because Monster Truck drivers are totally in the habit of giving hot, female reporters a random lift outside of the rally. 

Lois has a mental swoon over Clark before snapping out of it, telling him she’s on to him trying to scoop her on the story.  Of course, Clark has the benefit of hearing all of this.  She relents and drapes herself on Clark’s arm, the two gaining entry to the gala and having their “like a date” after all.

As the guests and shareholders at the gala fret about their earnings, Tess Mercer introduces Oliver Queen.  Once onstage, Ollie begins to read his speech from the teleprompter, which tells him to put in his earpiece.  You know this can’t be good.

Toyman is on the other end of the earpiece and is slightly P.O.-ed that Ollie framed him for the “murder” of Lex Luthor.  He wants Ollie to play a little game with him called “Toyman Says” and Toyman says that Oliver is standing on a landmine.  He makes Ollie read an embarrassing speech that people only wish could have come from the mouths of AIG or Bank of America execs,  Toyman also makes Ollie admit he’s a thief and a murderer. 

Juiced with his new powers, Clark hears this and realizes what’s going on.  Chloe, on Watchtower watch, attempts to disable the bomb and rig the building’s systems so that the guests can leave.  Meanwhile, Clark tackles the Toyman, which is actually a robot. After the last person leaves the building and knowing Clark will not die in the blast, Oliver steps off of the landmine, hoping to fulfill his death wish.  Good thing Chloe and he madd Watchtower skills disabled the bomb and managed to dispatch the police to arrest the real Toyman.

Clark talks to his suicidal pal Ollie and cops to the comments he made to him last week, admitting that he had been detached from his friends lately, and that he should have been there for Ollie. Voicing his inner monologue loud and clear, Clark lets his friend know that he’s not running away from who he is, but he’s running away from what he thinks he’s becoming.  A grateful, somber Ollie hears sirens in the background and good naturedly tells Clark to go off and be a hero as The Blur.  As Clark leaves, Ollie sees a shadowy image of Imitation Lex reflected in the mirror and throws the clichéd glass of hooch at it.

At “Strikers” Prison, Toyman bellows for his lawyer and instead gets Tess.  I guess since getting chomped on by zombies last week and noting Stately Luthor Manor’s lack of security, Tess has started taking a gun everywhere with her and blows a hole in Toyman’s kneecap.  Having made a deal with the guards, she presents the supervillain with his new toy, a meteor rock-powered heart just like the one Brian Austin Green/Metallo had a coupleweeks back.  She gives it to Toyman under the condition that she wants know how it works.  Dun-dun-DUN!

Back at the Daily Planet, Clark makes an apology for standing Lois up on their “like a date” by handing her his story on last night’s gala with both his and her names on the by-line.  Lois marks up the story with red pen, as any good reporter/editor is wont to do, and accepts Clark’s apology.  Looks like it’s going to be “Clark and Lois against the world” sooner than you think.

In this episode, Smallville capitalizes on the current zombie trend with the good folk of Smallville and Metropolis infected with a blood-borne virus that transforms them into holdovers from Dawn of the Dead.

 Zombie-ism isn’t the only thing going around in this episode, however.  Premonitions and precognitive dreams are running rampant as Clark dreams of Lois standing at the Daily Planet copy machine with her back to him.  Before things veer towards Zach and Miri territory, Lois turns around sporting bloodshot eyes, black teeth, and a complexion so bad it makes Edward James Olmos look positively dewy. 

Clark wakes up from his nightmare to put out a fire (literally) as The Blur and arrive at the Daily Planet in time to engage Lois in some subtle, sexually frustrated banter. Before you can say “contrived plot,” the intrepid reporters are off and running in pursuit of the latest headline. Stately Luthor Manor has been broken into with Tess Mercer having been attacked by some seriously creepy dudes, landing her in the hospital.  Just goes to show you, it doesn’t matter if you’re Lex Luthor or his right-hand woman, it just wouldn’t be an episode of Smallville if someone didn’t compromise a million dollar mansion’s security system. Surveilance footage reveals a bunch of zombie-like dudes breaking in with Tess fending them off with her madd martial arts skills.

Nevertheless, Tess sustained some injuries and mild scratches.  Lois and Clark head to the hospital to attempt to get the story out of her.  Tess, in turn, attacks Lois and her doctor chalks it up to a case of mental illness.  Clark is suspicious as to the root of this malady and somehow manages to snap up a sample of Tess’s blood and haul it on over to Chloe and Emil for analysis. Chole, of course, is conveniently spending a lot of time with Emil and has taken her role with Watchtower very seriously, keeping tabs on the splintered Legion in an attempt to save them from themselves and their raging, overblown egos. Presented with Clark’s conundrum, the token smart people determine that the blood possesses similar properties to that of Davis Bloome (AKA – Doomsday). 

The array of zombies popping up all over Smallville and Metropolis is becoming an epidemic and Chloe and Emil discern that an antidote to the Kryptonian virus must be dumped into the city’s water supply to stop it.  Conveniently, all traces of zombie-ism can be reversed.  Considering this latest plague’s Kryptonian origins, the plan is to take a sample of Clark’s blood to achieve this. In order to pierce Clark’s tough, Kryptonian hide, they have to dip a syringe needle into liquid kryptonite and extract a sample of blood. 

As Clark reacts badly to the kryptonite injected into his bloodstream, Smallville’s writers take particular glee in twisting the knife on poor Henry “Jimmy” Olson’s widow. (No, Smallville. I’m not letting that awful retcon go.) It’s bad enough that the two dudes who actually returned Chloe’s affections either got skewered (Henry/Jimmy) or met their demise in an anti-climactic showdown (Davis/Doomsday) at the hands of the man/alien she’s been pining after — the same man/alien who will hook up with any other chick in Smallville but her. 

Before he passes out from the kryptonite injection, Clark wants to make sure Lois is safe. Chloe reluctantly leaves Clark’s side to go with Emil to deliver the antidote, leaving the viewer with the distinct impression that the Friends Zone is much harder to escape from than the Phantom Zone.  Poor Chloe.

Ms. Sullivan isn’t the only one pining away this episode, though.  Oliver shows up, glugging hooch, popping pills, and getting all teary-eyed with himself over his failed romances with both Lois Lane and Tess Mercer.  In an act of now-familiar sadomasochism on the part of the writers, Ollie’s been entrusted to protect Lois who is hunkered down at the Daily Planet.  It still doesn’t stop the zombies from attacking, scratching Lois in the process and turning her to the creature Clark saw in his dream.

Things are resolved in the nick of time as Chloe and Emil make use of Ollie’s private jet and payroll perks to dump Clark’s blood into the Smallville/Metropolis water supply.  Oddly enough, the ounce or so of Clark’s blood has magically turned into a fire hydrant worthy sort of spray emitted from the back of the Queen Industries jet.  Cue the insta-cure.

With everything neatly wrapped up, Oliver takes an awoken Clark to task for his change in attitude and assuming the black mantle of The Blur, pointing out Clark’s messiah complex. Yeah, yeah, Ollie’s the Green Arrow, but is it just me, or are the writers trying to make him as Bruce Wayne-like as they possibly can without calling him “Batman” outright?  Surly orphaned millionaire shoulder who wants to stop crime and save the world?  That sounds familiar. The creators would have given their eye-teeth to be able to nab up the Batman name but were prohibited by Warner Bros. from mixing the franchises, particularly with the popularity of the theatrical Dark Knight releases.  This episode and Oliver’s appearance in it only underscores that little factoid. 

Oliver relinquishes (temporarily, at least) his superhero status by emptying flask onto his balled-up Green Arrow suit before dramatically lighting a match and torching it.

Meanwhile, back at the Kent farm, Clark totally ignores anything Ollie said to him and is equally blissfully ignorant of what was assumed were his strong, protective, and fond feelings for Lois.  Although the zombie threat has been stopped, the epidemic of pining for lost love is apparently still thriving in Smallville.  Clark is seen taking a picture of (the one…the only…the irritating) Lana Lang from his wallet and gently placing it back in his Scrapbook Shrine O’ Lana as the writers drop yet another anvil that Lois is merely a temporary panacea for Clark’s heart, and that Lana is his One True Love. 

Lois shows up for some ham-fisted reason and has a 30-second exchange with Clark before heading back from whence she came, stopped in her tracks at the front step by a premonition of Clark, Ollie, Chloe, and some serious grave-digging.    

Elsewhere across town, Zod praises one of his soldier minions for going rogue, leaving the Kryptons Gone Wild On Earth Bunker and unleashing the Kryptonian Zombie Plague on the population. Apparently, though, this latest stunt was just too ingenious and Zod can’t have that. In return, Zod goes all Highlander on his minion’s ass, somehow managing to hide a very large Kryptonian sword behind his back while said minion kneels prostrate in front of him. (Smallville’s really taking this whole “Kneel before Zod” motif a tad too far.) The hapless Kryptonian soldier minion is swiftly decapitated by Zod before the credits roll.

For a novelty-themed episode, this week’s installment of Smallville was pretty good.  Despite a few minor quibbles over character destruction….er… “direction,” the standard Smallville M.O. of sneaking small, yet important plot developments into what might be construed as a “throwaway episode” prevails.